classified LRB

Perusing through these beauties makes me feel like I live in a movie. Albeit, a romcom, but a witty one, where you laugh and smile along even though you are desperately trying not to be influenced by the schlock you are viewing. Here are a few choice ads, if I ever find myself single again, I know where I will turn.

* If forced to commit, I’d say I feared geese more than ducks. Man, 47. Fears geese more than ducks.

* Yesterday I was a disgusting spectacle in end-stage alcoholism with a gambling problem and not a hope in the world. Today I am the author of this magnificent life-altering statement of yearning and desire. You are a woman to 55 with plenty of cash and very little self-respect. When you reply to this advert your life will never be the same again. My name is Bernard. Never call me Bernie.

* Not only will this advert win me the woman of my dreams (25, tall, brunette, fun, likes late nights, computer games and Pop Tarts), it also wins me a place at the grown-ups’ table. Errant son, 18, swapping Dad’s Hustler subscription for this crap for the last two years.

* I hate you all. I hate London. I hate books. I hate critics. I hate this magazine, I hate this column and I hate all the goons who appear in it. But if you have large breasts, are younger than 30 and don’t want to talk about the novel you’re ‘writing’ I’ll put all that aside for approximately two hours one Saturday afternoon in January. Man, 33.

*Everyone. My life is a mind-numbing cesspit of despair and self-loathing. Just fuck off. Or else write back and we’ll make love. Gentleman, 37.

*If you’re reading this hoping for a mini-biopic about battles with drugs, cancer and divorce, talk to the guy above. But if you want to know about historical battle sites in Scotland, talk to me. Alan, 45. Scottish historical battle expert and BDSM fetishist.

and last but certainly not least -

*I make my own sexual lubricant. The secret ingredient is Bovril. Man, 56. Congleton.

yeah i probably posted the funniest ones. but if you're keen for more, or perhaps want to reply to one of these classifieds, do so at the London Review of Books Classifieds online here

i'm too old for this shit

I went to the Big Day Out yesterday. I had a free media pass with access to my own bar and real toilets, so I thought it wouldnt be too painful.

How very wrong I was.

I must be extremely allergic to severe sun, severe nationalism, heterosexual 'Aussie' blokes, overpriced cans of beer, crowds, wankers, excessive police presence, popular fashion etc.

I think I had a wee panic attack of sorts. Maybe it was just heat stroke. I wasn't even drinking. I thought I was going to throw up. Could of had something to do with the guy haemmoraging blood from his arsehole. An image I can't get out of my head now. Or The Living End. I don't know.

Anyway, I think that's it for me and the BDO. Unless The Beatles reform and headline.

The highlight of the day was seeing Black Kids perform. Uber fun. Also, standing near this guy in the bar queue. Awesome.



Maybe I am just a massive hermit party pooper. Everyone else seemed to be having the time of their life. Why couldn't I enjoy myself like they were? What's wrong with me?

Why am I so 'unaustralian'? I really hate nationalism. I hate seeing white people wearing flags, hats, shoes, t-shirts and tats with australia flags and southern crosses on them. urgh. It's so aggressive and threatening. What are they so proud of? How are they better than others just because of the country they were born in?

Why are music festivals a platform for nationalism? Australia Day is in two days time. I am not looking forward to it.

new years resolutions

I hate new years resolutions. It's like they are destined to fail, and take you with them, flailing madly down into a deflated heap in the gutter. Depressed and dejected, full of self loathing and self pity. Pathetic.

I never learnt how to either follow something through or just let it all go and move on. Here's to another year of failed dreams and a miserable, meaningless existence!

So without further ado - I present to all and sundry, with the entire internets as my witness - my 2009 new years resolutions.

1. SAVE MONEY - This means not buying useless, unnecessary crap in the forms of clothes, shoes, take away food, cd's, dvd's, etsy purchases that seemed like a good idea at the time, etc etc etc. This will require making my own breakfast, lunch and dinner.
*Exception - bookclub books and developing film.
GOAL - Saving up for a much needed European holiday in August. Berlin and Sweden here we come.

2. BE LESS SEDENTARY - (i.e get off your lazy arse and get thee to a gymmery.) I have the membership, I am paying good money for it so in order to not stab resolution #1 in the heart, I have to use it. Let's aim for a minimum of 3 times a week and see if we can't raise that number eh?! And try not to spend your alone time lazing on the couch watching foxtel.
GOAL - To not be puffed after walking up the stairs to my apartment.

3. TRY HARDER - at work, at home, with friends and family, with myself. Don't be so lazy - do the dishes, the laundry, make the bed, put away my shit. File stuff. REGULARLY! Work more efficiently, learn more and don't take things so personally. Call people before they call me. Go to the gym. Save harder. Don't let food go to waste. Be more positive. Blog more. Take more photos. Finish things. Try harder to be motivated. Try harder to be a good person.
GOAL - To achieve all three resolutions!